Pandora Situations That Make White People Feel Racist1
Statistically speaking, very few people want to be considered racist. Now, if you spend a lot of time reading message boards online, you'll be forgiven if you mistakenly believe that 2 in 3 people are tragically, mind bogglingly racist, but it seems like, in real life, only a small portion of people still suffer from this brand of mental dipshittery. But here's the thing: Among those who aren't racist are the people (and they seem to be a majority) who are deathly afraid of accidentally being racist. And that fear clouds the way many of us, without even realizing it, PANDORA SHINE conduct ourselves on a day to day basis.I watch Maury sometimes because I'm terrible deep down. It's not that I can't help it; I just don't want to. And if you watch enough Maury, you're going to start noticing something funny about the names of a lot of Maury's guests.I propose that, right now, if you're even passingly familiar with Maury Povich, you know exactly what I mean. You saw the subject of this column, of this entry, and you're there with me right now, without any further explanation. But to fully flesh out where I'm going, let's keep reading!
If you watch enough Maury Povich, you're going to run across an episode in which a guest comes on stage whose name is Shaneequa. Or Jamarcus. Or Trevian. I'm not even going to ask you what race you think these three people are, because we all know what everyone else is thinking, and right here is where some people start feeling uncomfortable. With no extra info available, if I ask you to tell me what Shaneequa looks like, you know what I expect to hear and I know what you're thinking and you're afraid to answer. Part of you is. But is it racist? You think it is. We're all terribly afraid that if we even say the name "Shaneequa" we're being racist. But it's a real name. I saw a girl on the show whose name really was Shaneequa. I also saw a woman whose name was Velveeta, Pandora Situations That Make White People Feel Racist but we're not getting into that.For a polite, middle class white person, saying the name "Shaneequa" is as terrifying as invoking the name of the devil on a dusty stretch of Arkansas highway. You say it and look around to see if anyone heard. The fear that somehow you're casting aspersions on black America is suddenly right at the forefront of your thoughts. If you Google names like "Laquisha," you'll find them on lists of "ghetto names," and you just said it and that means you think black people are from the ghetto. You racist.
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